I slammed the door of my 65 Falcon shut. It echoed through the valley of Medford, Oregon. I loaded the last guitar in the backseat, and my guitar chords strewed over the front seat.
There’s so much space in this car. I bet I could’ve gotten the drum set in as well. The sun is coming up on a spring morning, and I am just leaving the bar. The club was filled last night, and we played for over an hour.
I even had the opportunity to play some new songs that were unreleased and not recorded. I am 22 years old at this time, and I’ve been living on my own since I was 16.
Let’s fast forward to 12 years when I am in a touring van with my band going down at 90 km/h. It’s a 7-hour drive to the venue just to see that it’s sold out. We’ve been up since 7 AM, and I am using a breathing technique to calm my anxiety about playing in front of a sold-out club.
In the backseat, I have my Tarot cards, crystals, specifically kyanite, a book about Bessie Smith, and my lyric sheets.
I have always had anxiety and PTSD and have always had to use methods to calm my nerves. The truth is that no one can tell when I’m nervous because my confidence radiates high energy, but it is something I have had to learn to manage with time.
If you have ever seen me perform, you know that I can put on a great show. But you may have yet to learn that it takes some time to prepare myself physically, spiritually, and mentally to perform!
Let’s fast forward one more time. I’m 38 years old, losing my connection to my spirit, and my energy source is in trouble. I can no longer hold on to my spiritual power and practice.
In fact, it eludes me why. I am a daily meditation enthusiast. I take up space when needed. I take time to care for myself and others.
“Why can I not feel whole?”
“Why do I have it?”
At my physical exam, I explained to my doctor that I had felt disconnected from my spiritual practice. My doctor is an exceptional woman who truly listens; she has taken years to discover who I truly am.
I told her I was not interested in being diagnosed, although I knew something was shifting inside me. I have always believed that if there is a shift of energy, the universe is showing up in different ways to get you to understand, from a different perspective, what is actually happening.
As somebody who values nutrition as a way to combat anxiety and depression, I dive deep into my meal plans and make sure to keep a food journal to see what might be triggering my disconnection.
I even go as far as to ensure all the vitamins I’m taking are up to date and end up making a plan.
I begin to focus on waking up earlier to allow more time for my meditation practice and to sit and write out different aspects of my life.
I would like to cultivate more mastery. It’d be good to use mantras and daily affirmations to realign my connection with my higher self. I make sure to go outside and give gratitude to nature and walk my dog in the woods so that I may be connected to earth medicine.
I have done this for weeks, but I still feel disconnected. There’s something about my spiritual practice that is not registering in the way that it used to. I’m starting to really figure it out, but I have it.
I might be continuing but that doesn’t serve me, but I also can’t think of anything at the time.
I begin to pray.
I am so curious why there are times when I can’t reach my confidence. There are times when my anxiety is amplified. I pray to the universe’s source, God, to help level my clarity so that I may see my true nature in the authentic light and be able to change so I may grow.
It’s Sunday morning, and I hear my daughter playing in her crib with the unicorn she calls Color Corn. My husband and I are lying in bed chatting about our schedule, and I will meditate after I get Sadie up and we make breakfast.
I want to ground out and sit with the emotions I’m currently having. I’m having difficulty tapping in and reaching my higher self, but I know what it is this time.
I grew up in a space that normalized drug use, violent outburst, and drinking. This enabled me at a young age to feel supported emotionally and connected to others with social drinking. The night before, I went out with some girlfriends and had a fun time celebrating the holiday.
We had not seen each other in a couple of months, so there was a lot to talk about, especially family husbands, children’s careers, etc.
I didn’t think anything of it because I hardly drink at all, I’m no longer touring and feeling that a shot of tequila would allow me to calm my nerves, and even though I was meditating and taking space to connect to my spiritual practice, it never dawned on me that I was disconnected from myself because of alcohol.
In my five years as a Nutrition and Health Coach, I have understood the mechanics of my body better than I have my whole life.
Devoting myself to a meditation practice has allowed me to be uncomfortable in spaces and sit with them long enough to determine an outcome and a source. At that moment, I’m getting up, making breakfast, and heading to a space to meditate.
I realized the source of my disconnection was alcohol. I came running down to tell my husband I think I figured out why I was disconnected. The first thing out of his mouth was, “I guess I can see that, but you don’t have a problem, so you don’t have to quit.”
I told my husband that I agree that I don’t feel like I have a problem, but I definitely feel like I have a codependent relationship that allows me to use my coping skills, but not when intoxicated. The energy I carried was getting distracted, and the connection was as well.
My sobriety was not in the form of 12 steps. Although I have so much love and faith in those programs, I wanted to share why I don’t drink.
Why this is important to me and how I learned to understand my psychology of myself in order to see what was more important to me, the connection at all times with the abundant source and creator, or the moments of this disappointment in discovering that I was the one disconnected.
Sometimes being conditioned to do something that essentially has always been done can find a way to show you that to grow, you must take away and crowd out something, even if you didn’t think it was a negative aspect, just to make space for more clarity.
Now I feel more seen by myself than I have ever felt in my life.
I have been able to go out and support everyone around me in their celebrations and stay in a space of calm, grounded energy.
Sobriety has made me feel more in control because of a consistent space of emotional maturity. At this time in my life, it is precisely the force of energy that I need to adapt to my new main character’s energy.
Not drinking has allowed me to feel a deep connection on so many more levels, and I feel profoundly blessed to feel the abundance of energy radiate through me once again.
I learned I would not be who I was if I didn’t love this authenticity. My mantra now: This is my life, my way. This is my love and my journey.
I hope this helps if you have been feeling disconnection and uncertainty in your life. You too, can look within and see the potential difference in your life from using yourself to cope in these times instead of just being.
There may be more to the story. Your conditioning may be running out, and a new dawn of appreciation is approaching.
What do you think? Let me know in the comments!
Kimbo Rose
